London - a toedip forthcomingly into 26th February - 4th March

Blink your eyelids open, first one, then the other, then both intermittently, then both at once. A sidelong glance alongside to yesterday's curry and tomorrow's hurry on the pebbledash "side". Your shoes, or some of them at least, lie expectantly, waiting to have your feet stuffed ankle-bloody-deep into them, filling them up, giving them what they want. You floss the wrong way, shrug off a yawn, and off, out, up and off. London screams at you for leaving without your coat.

At once, north! For Haringey, like an aunt from France, looks at you over the top of its glassy rims, smiles coyly, nods, then murmurs something you don't understand. For Wednesday brings the inaugural, unaugural, re-augural "6 Month Festival", a glad frenzy of some people without hats, to celebrate the sixth month anniversary of August! It's been sixth whole months since Haringey's residents, and also non-Haringey residents (or "the world"), have been able to chuckle at their calendars and think about the eighth month. Events like "Pretend It's Your August Birthday If You Have One" and "It's Not July, But Not For The Reason You Think" will be taking place in, alternately, the slides, and up Johnno's house. A street feast will take place in a buried location. Ticket price includes entrance to the Festival.

Hey! Look over here! Yes! It's only flipping Tulse Hill! Friday brings two things: the beginning of the 'week-end', and with that the chance to down several hands of Blunder, be sick up your favourite wall and then probably get married or something. And also it brings the re-opening of the much-missed Fountain Museum for a special one-off weekly Friday Late. Opened in 1926, or the other one, by Ric Vent, the posthumously crowned 12th Duke of Tulse, the Fountain Museum was established to "further explore humanity's relationship with artificially-controlled moving water". Exhibits, or "Water Features", over the years included the first ever inverted fountain, the last fountain to claim legal inheritance of a house, and even the infamously famous 'Mountain Fountain', whose high-jets of water once caused a woman to be unborn. This Friday, the Museum will re-open in a new location, made entirely of water and also walls and ceilings, and will open through the night, closing only when literally everyone has been. Water fans and heavy-jazz ensemble Plenty of Death (reviewed elsewhere on this blog) will be opening and closing proceedings, but not in that order.

Whip your weekend out and hold tight, because Neasden hollers! Finally, but by no means least, Neasden Prison is going to be opening its doors for a one-off, or possibly less, reverse visitation event this weekend. For one weekend only, reassuringly, Neasden's most hardened and blood-thirsty and -hungry criminals, some of whom may be actually thirsty, are being given the mind-harrowingly terrifying opportunity to experience life from the other side of the massive, spiked walls. They'll be visiting Neasdennettos in their own homes, bringing choccie and cash gifts, mixed up in a clay bowl, for a permitted period of one hour or more. Unsupervised, the visitations will be tape-recorded, filed, transcribed and definitely used in evidence. Some of Neasden's pubs have already marked the occasion by burning themselves down in celebration.

London draws a shuddering, almost inward breath, picks up a pillow and attempts to smother itself, before realising this is impossible, and puts on re-runs of Hey Now There's No Need from 1977, its eyes drooping, drooping. Its hands, or one of them at least, reach for a peanut. There are none.

#Haringey #TulseHill #FridayLates #Neasden #London